Was this a weird week for you? Or a weird last few weeks? It was for me. Maybe it was the eclipse. Maybe it was coming back from a trip and getting settled into work again. I had a cold. I wasn't communicating well with those I love. I was so all over the place. Last week, I was really productive and able to hit all five things on the to-do list in my Productivity Planner with very little problem. This week, I could barely get out of bed a few days, struggled with headaches, generally couldn't seem to get started, and had multiple mini-crises pop up. But I also secured what I hope will be the first of many brand partnerships this year and had some really encouraging conversations with friends. It was weird and I just felt extremely all over the place. It was like I lost sight of my peace for a second there.
And then of course I was just being extremely hard on myself. Down on myself about not feeling like anything I'm doing creatively/entrepreneurially has any value or will ever amount to what I so hope it does one day. Can I be really honest and transparent here? I was like... I should just stop doing RXY all together. Why aren't all of the "I love The Reign's" or "I love your work's" or whatever else gets said to us translating into what feels like tangible views, clicks, shares, purchases, etc.? Why isn't this selling? Why didn't X pitch get picked up? You suck Gabby. You're a bad writer, leader, and no one but your Mom cares about your work.
Now, of course I know somewhere in my spirit that those things are not true. But that's not the point, they shouldn't matter anyway.Since when did my work become solely about making a profit, getting shared on Twitter, and feeling seen? How do I find make space for my natural human ego, without letting it be the driving factor or force in my life? When did I get distracted? And when did I stop showing myself compassion?
I just felt like I was spinning out of control. And then I read Well Wildflower's newsletter#thelotusletter, which you should absolutely sign up for if you haven't already, and Taylor their Founder talked about how she learned where and how joy showed up in her physical body and that just really resonated with me because I had gotten outside of my peace. And it wasn't even like I set out to do anything overly intentional to get back in it, but I did just by doing some things that I generally know nurture me - reading a good book, coloring, taking a nap. I colored at work for an hour and a half straight (I'm an art teacher). And suddenly when I woke up from my nap, the peace was there in the middle of my chest, a little to the left and diagonal from my heart again. This warm pulsing feeling that stilled my spirit and spoke to my heart. I knew it was my peace because the last year of my life has taught me what being at peace means, feels, and looks like for me in very intimate ways.
I'm also lucky enough to have friends who know the song in my heart and can sing it back to me when I've forgotten the words. I have a therapist I can reach out to when I get out of control. And I have a God who loves me with reckless abandon and is always with me, even when I'm not with Him.
This week I was reminded that we can always come back to ourselves. We can always jump back into stories or ideas that we left by the wayside for awhile. We can always jump back into relationships that are genuine and full of love. We can always jump back into our joy. We can always remember the contours of our peace.
And so I'm wondering, what have you gotten away from? Do you know what peace and joy feel like in your body? What is what you're offering the world ultimately about and how can you come back to that when the noise, social media, and our natural human ego/desire to be seen gets to be a little too loud? A little too domineering? A little too much?
Peace shows up for me in my chest. I feel its presence most intensely in the space left center, above my heart, but at a diagonal. I got away from remembering that I'm worthy and add value simply because God says I am and do, because I have always been enough. I forgot that I would write even if no one was watching. I forgot to write even when/as no one is watching. I come back to what I'm ultimately offering the world, my peace, my words, my work by turning inward, reaching out to God, and engaging those who know me best for some reassurance or a good healthy dragging that I know is rooted in love.
If you want to, email me your answers to those questions. If that's not your style, I hope you'll reflect on them or come back to this email when its relevant for you. Maybe it isn't this week, that's totally okay too.
I'm sending you so much love.
And I'll be back on February 9th with our January recap & February affirmation.
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