"I personally never felt a need to confide in anyone but myself..." - L

"Oh you look happy, happy."

London, England. October 2019.

I told a friend yesterday (two days ago by the time you get this) that all I plan to do over the course of the next few months is to continue to become more of myself. He proceeded to ask me what that means. We came to an agreement on the description of a lot of self-management.

Here’s the thing, I have a vibe. I think it’s most visible in or through my fashion sense. I can send people something I’m considering buying and get “That’s so you” or “Eh, I don’t think that’s really you.” I want to get to a place in myself and my life where that translates across the board—from what I’m eating and how I take care of myself (physically, mentally, spiritually, etc.), to what I wear, to what I write. I want to be living my life in a way that screams THAT’S SO GABRIELLE!

Tall order right?

Maybe. But I think what it boils down to is consistency. I’m watching One LA’s series on consistency right now and it’s really just speaking to my life.

The first sermon talks about the stages of maturation:

  1. clarity

  2. consistency

  3. continuous revelation.

I think the last year and a half of my life has been about clarity. From May 2018 until now, I’ve really been searching for clarity, answers, and insight into myself, God, and others around me. How can I be better in relationships? To myself and my partner (whether romantic, familial or platonic)? How can I stop feeling bad about choosing myself first? How do I stop loving with expectations? How can I be less judgemental of myself and those around me? Whose opinions, if any at all, should I care about? What would it look like to really consider me first and foremost? What am I not? Who am I? What ways of being do I need to let go of? What projects do I need to let go of (R.I.P. RXY)? What do I want my work to be about? What legacy do I hope my life leaves behind? What is it I’m trying to say and to who?

Lots of questions. 2019 was thankfully a year that answered. I feel clear or clearer about the answers to most, if not all, of the above. So now I get to move into a moment of consistency. I’m trying to hit in every season. I’m trying to be rooted, grounded. No more swaying to and fro.

So that’s what I’ll be working on for the next few months. I’ve started with something small—making my bed every day for the next month. It takes 21 (or so) days to make a habit, so ideally I’ll do it for the next month and then it’ll simply become something I do every day. Next month it’ll be my bed and the gym. I will also start tithing, meditating consistently, waking up + going to bed with a routine, etc. etc. you get the picture.

Now that I know who I’m not, now that I know who I am and who I want to be it’s about just being her. I won’t get it right all the time. I won’t always be my deepest, highest self, but that’s what I’m going for. Consistently. The fruit of consistency is consistency. Firing on all cylinders. Winning even when it looks like I lost. Hitting in every season.

Confiding in myself. Trusting myself. Listening to myself. Less outside influence, more internal and heavenly conversationsCONSISTENTLY.

Amen.

to be continued…
Gabrielle